^J^wmfat- 

<7 

University  of  California  •  Berkeley 

The  Theodore  H.  Koundakjian 

Collection 
of  American  Humor 


PHILADELPHIA: 

T..B.    PETERSON    &    BROTHERS 
306    CHESTNUT    STREET. 


IPIRICIEi 


E11H.VN      1'KS. 


flartt). 


otbn 


PHILADELPHIA: 

T.    B.    PETERSON   &   BROTHERS; 
306    CHESTNUT    STREET. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  jear  1868,  by 
CHARLES  G.  LELAND, 

in  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States,  in  and 
for  the  Eastern  District  of  Pennsylvania. 


(CHARLES    ASTOR    BRISTED.) 

feoH  gsfoibnuf 
60m 


si  milji  stlwna  tttmm  tt  pmsianti  torpor*  lubsla: 
)aec  sola  jest  mea  P«sa  nuoque  ngierit  in  P^rp, 
UU  mt  ergtbo  ipsum  nte^qut  tlli  abslatfo  gchubba, 
me  e^wnsawlas  aufridjto  0pfroque  ^sc^nha, 
ie  jeiiam  afomga  Iubr0s  jet  carmina  snibo." 

Kapaodia  Andra,  Leipzig,  17 th  century. 


(4) 


Hans  Breitmann's  Party. 


HANS  BREITMANN  gife  a  barty, 
Dey  had  biano-blayin 
I  felled  in  lofe  mit  a  Merican  frau, 
Her  name  vas  Madilda  Yane. 
She  hat  haar  as  prown  ash  a  pretzel, 

Her  eyes  vas  himmel-plue, 
Und  ven  dey  looket  indo  mine, 
Dey  shplit  mine  heart  in  two. 

Hans  Breitmann  gife  a  barty, 

I  vent  dere  you'll  pe  pound. 
I  valtzet  mit  Madilda  Yane 

Und  vent  shpinnen  round  und  round. 
De  pootiest  Fraeulein  in  de  House, 

She  vayed  'pout  dwo  hoondred  pound, 
Und  efery  dime  she  gife  a  shoomp 

She  make  de  vindows  sound. 

Hans  Breitmann  gife  a  barty, 

I  dells  you  it  cost  him  dear. 
Dey  rolled  in  more  ash  sefen  kecks 

Of  foost-rate  Lager  Beer. 
Und  venefer  dey  knocks  de  shpicket  in 

De  Deutschers  gifes  a  cheer. 
I  dinks  dat  so  vine  a  barty, 

Nefer  coom  to  a  het  dis  year. 

(5) 


6 

Hans  Breitmann  gife  a  barty ; 

Dere  all  vas  Souse  und  Brouse, 
Ven  de  sooper  corned  in,  de  gompany 

Did  make  demselfs  to  house  ; 
Dey  ate  das  Brot  and  Gensy  broost, 

De  Bratwurst  and  Braten  fine, 
Und  vash  der  Abendessen  down 

Mit  four  parrels  of  Neckarwein. 

Hans  Breitmann  gife  a  barty, 

We  all  cot  troonk  ash  bigs. 
I  poot  mine  mout  to  a  parrel  of  bier 

Und  emptied  it  oop  mit  a  schwigs. 
Und  denn  I  gissed  Madilda  Yane 

Und  she  shlog  me  on  de  kop, 
Und  de  gompany  fited  mit  daple-lecks 

Dill  de  coonsh table  made  oos  shtop. 

Hans  Breitmann  gife  a  barty — 

Where  ish  dat  barty  now  ! 
Where  ish  de  lofely  golden  cloud 

Dat  float  on  de  moundain's  prow  ? 
Where  ish  de  himmelstrahlende  Stern- 

De  shtar  of  de  shpirit's  light  ? 
All  goned  afay  mit  de  Lager  Beer— 

Afay  in  de  ewigkeit ! 


Breitmann  in  Battle. 


tt  ansfujjrm  JUreifum  tt  Jilting  bigmim 
jpofum  *rja0m  lobmn." 


LER  FADER  TOD  PER  SON, 

I  dinks  I'll  go  a  fitin — outspoke  der  Breitemann, 
"  It's  eighdeen  hoonderd  fordy  eight  since  I  kits 
swordt  in  hand  ; 

Dese  fourdeen  years  mit  Hecker  all  roostin  I  haf  been, 
Boot    now    I    kicks   der   Teufel    oop    and    goes    for 
sailin  in." 

"  If  you  go  land  out-ridin,"  said  Caspar  Pickletongue, 
"  Foost  ding  you  knows  you  cooms  across  some  repels 

prave  and  young. 
Away  down   Sout'  in   Tixey,   dey'll  split  you  like  a 

clam"— 
"  For   dat,"   spoke  out   der  Breitmann,  "  I  doos  not 

gare  one  tarn  !" 

Who  der  Teufel  pe's  de  repels  und  vhere  dey  kits  deir 


If  dey  make  a  run  on  Breitmann  he'll  soon  let  out  de 

gas; 

I'll  shplit  dem  like  kartoffels  :  I'll  slog  em  on  de  kop  ; 
I'll  set  de  plackguarts  roonin  so  dey  don't  know  vhere 

to  shtop." 


8 

Und  den  outshpoke  der  Breitmann,  mit  his  schlaeger  py 

his  side : 
"  Forvarts,  my  pully  landsmen  !  it's  dime  to  run  und 

ride; 

Will  riden,  will  fighten— der  Copitain  I'll  pe,  [rie  !" 
It's  sporn  und  horn  und  saddle  now — all  in  de  Cavall- 

Und  ash  dey  rode  troo  Winchester,  so  herrlich  to  pe 

seen, 

Dere  coomed  some  repel  cavallrie  a  riden  on  de  creen  ; 
Mit  a  sassy  repel  Dootchman — an  colonel  in  gommand  : 
Says  he,  u  Vot  Teufel  makes  you  here  in  dis  mein 

Faderland  ? 

"  You're  dressed  oop  like  a  shentleman  mit  your  plack- 

guard  Yankee  crew, 

You  mudsills  and  meganics  !  Der  Teufel  put  you  troo  ! 
Old  Yank  you  ought  to  shtay  at  home  und  dake  your 

liddle  horn, 
Mit  some  oldt  voomans  for  a  noorse" — der  Breitmann 

laugh  mit  shkorn. 

"  Und  should  I  trink  mein  lager-bier  und  roost  mine 
self  to  home  ?  [thoom  : 

Ife  got  too  many  dings  like  you  to  mash  beneat'  my 

In  many  a  fray  und  fierce  foray  dis  Deutschman  will  be 
feared  [his  peard." 

Pefore  he  stops  dis  vightin  trade — 'twas  dere  he  greyed 


"  I  pools  dat  peard  out  by  de  roots — I  gifes  him  sooch 
a  dwist  [tionist  ! 

Dill  all  de    plood  roons  out,  you   tamned   old  Apoli- 

Your  creenpacks  mit  your  swordt  und  watch  right  ofer 
you  moost  shell,  [h-11 !" 

Und  den  you  goes  to  Libby  straight — und  after  dat  to 

"  Mein  creenpacks  und  mein  schlaeger,  I  kits  'em  in 
New  York,  [talk ;" 

To  gife  dem  up  to  Greenhorns,  young  man,  is  not  de 

De  heroes  shtopped  deir  sassin'  here  und  grossed  deir 
sabres  dwice, 

Und  de  vay  dese  Deutschers  vent  to  vork  vos  von  pig 
ding  on  ice. 

Der  younger  fetch  de  older  such  a  gottallmachty  smack 
Der  Breitmann  dinks  he  really  hears  his  skool  go  shplit 

und  crack ; 
Der  repel  choomps  dwelfe  paces  back,  und  so  he  safe 

his  life  : 
Der   Breitmann   says:    "I   guess   dem   choomps   you 

learns  dem  of  your  vife." 

"  If  I  should  learn  of  vomans  I  dinks  it  vere  a  shame, 
Bei  Gott  I  am  a  shentleman,  aristograt,  and  game. 
My  fader  vos  anoder — I  lose  him  fery  young — 
Ter  teufel  take  your  soul  !   Coom  on  !  I'll  split  your 
waggin'  tongue  !" 


10 

A  Yankee  drick  der  Breitmann  dried — dat  oldt  gray- 
pearded  man —  [he  ran. 

For  ash  the  repel  raised  his  swordt,  ben  eat'  dat  sword  t 

All  roundt  der  shlim  yoong  repel's  waist  his  arms  oldt 
Breitmann  pound, 

Und  shlinged  him  down  oopon  his  pack  und  laidt  him 
on  der  ground. 

"  Who  rubs  against  olt  kittle-pots  may  keep  vite — if  he 
can,  [man  ? 

Say  vot  you  dinks  of  vightin  now  mit  dis  old  shentle- 

Your  dime  is  oop;  you  got  to  die,  und  I  your  breest 
vill  pe  ; 

Peliev'st  dou  in  Moral  Ideas  ?  If  so  I  lets  you  free." 

"  I  don't  know  nix  apout  Ideas — no    more  dan   pout 

Saint  Paul. 

Since  I  peen  down  in  Tixey  I  kits  no  books  at  all ; 
I'm   greener  ash   de  clofer-grass ;   I'm   shtupid  as  a 

shpoon ; 
I'm  ignoranter  ash  de  nigs — for  dey  takes  de  Tribune. 

;'  Mein  fader's  name  vas  Breitmann,  I  heard  mein  mut 
ter  say, 

She 'read  de  bapers  dat  he  died  after  she  rooned  afay  ; 
Dey  say  he   leaf  some  broperty — berhaps  'twas  all  a 

sell— 
If  I  could  lay  mein  hands  on  it  I  likes  it  mighty  well." 


11 

"  Und  vas  dy  fader  Breitmann  ?  Bist  du  his  kit  und  kin  ? 
Denn  knowdat  ichdcr  Breitmann  dein  lieber  Vater  bin?" 
Der  Breitmann  poolled  his  hand-shoe  off  und  shocked 

him  py  de  hand ; 
"  Ye'll  hafe  some  trinks  on  strengt  of  dis — or  else  may 

I  pe  tam'd  !" 

"  Oh  !   fader,  how  I  shlog   your   kop,"  der  younger 

Breitmann  said ; 
"  I'd  den  dimes  sooner  had  it  coom  right  down  on  mine 

own  headt !" 
"  Oh,  never  mind — dat  soon  dry  oop — I  shticks  him  mit 

a  blaster ;  [der." 

If  I  had  shplit  you  like  a  fish,  dat  vere  an  vorse  tisas- 

Dis  fight  did  last  all  afternoon — woJil  to  de  fesper  tide, 
Und  droo  de  streeds  of  Vinchesder,  der  Breitmann  he 

did  ride.  [tory  ! 

Vot  vears  der  Breitmann  on  his  hat  ?  De  ploom  of  fie- 
Who's  dat  aridin'  pyhis  side  ?  "  Dis  here's  mein  son/' 

says  he. 

How  stately  rode  der  Breitmann  oop  ! — how  lordly  h( 
kit  down  ?  [prown  \ 

How  glorious  from  de  great  pokal  he  drink  de  bier  so 

But  der  Yunger  bick  der  parrel  oop  und  schwig  him 
all  at  one.  [mein  son  !' ' 

"  Bei  Gott !  dat  settles  all  dis  dings — I  know  dou  art 


12 

Der  one  has  got  a  fader  ;  de  oder  found  a  child. 

Bofe  ride  oopon  one  war-path  now  in  pattle  fierce  und 
wild. 

It  makes  so  glad  our  hearts  to  hear  dat  dey  did  so  suc 
ceed — 

Und  damit  hat  sein'  Ende  DES  JUNGEN  BREITMANN 's 
LIED. 


Breitmann  in  Maryland. 


DER  Breitmann  mit  his  gompany, 
Kode  out  in  Marylandt. 
"  Dere's  nichts  to  trink  in  dis  countrie ; 
Mine  treat's  as  dry  as  sand. 
It's  light  canteen  und  haversack, 
It's  hoonger  mixed  mit  doorst ; 
Und  if  we  had  some  lager-bier 
I'd  trink  oontil  I  boorst. 

Gling,  glang,  gloria  ! 
We'd  trink  oontil  we  boorst. 


13 

u  Herr  Leut'nant,  take  a  dozen  men, 

Und  ride  dis  land  around  ! 
Herr  Feldwebel,  go  foragin' 

Dill  somedings  goot  is  found. 
Gotts-doonder !  men,  go  ploonder ! 

We  hafn't  trinked  a  bit 
Dis  fourdeen  hours  !  If  I  had  bier 

I'd  sauf  oontil  I  shplit ! 
Gling,  glang,  gloria  ! 

We'd  sauf  oontil  we  shplit !" 

At  mitternacht  a  horse's  hoofs 

Coom  rattlin'  troo  de  camp ; 
"  Rouse  dere  ! — coom  rouse  der  house  dere  ! 

Herr  Copitain — we  moost  tromp  ! 
De  scouds  have  found  a  repel  town, 

Mit  repel  davern  near, 
A  repel  keller  in  de  cround, 

Mit  repel  lager  bier !  ! 
Gling,  glang,  gloria  ! 

All  fool  of  lager-bier  ! 

Gottsdonnerkreuzschockschwerenoth  ! 

How  Breitmann  broked  de  bush  ! 
"  0  let  me  see  dat  lager  bier ! 

0  let  me  at  him  rush  ! 
Und  is  mein  sabre  sharp  und  true, 
Und  is  mein  war-horse  goot  ? 


14 

To  get  one  quart  of  lager  bier 
I'd  shpill  a  sea  of  ploot. 
Gling,  glang.  gloria  ! 
I'd  shpill  a  sea  of  ploot. 

"  Fuenf  hoondcrd  repels  hold  de  down, 

One  hoonderd  strong  are  we  ; 
Who  gares  a  tarn  for  all  de  odds 

Wenn  men  so  dirsty  pe." 
And  in  dey  smashed  and  down  dey  crashed, 

Like  donder-polts  dey  fly, 
Rush  fort  as  der  wild  yseger  cooms 

Mit  blitzen  troo  de  shky. 
Gling,  glang,  gloria  ! 

Like  blitzen  troo  de  shky. 

How  flewed  to  rite,  how  flewd  to  left 

De  moundains,  drees  unt  hedge  ; 
How  left  und  rite  de  yseger  corps 

Went  donderin  troo  de  pridge. 
Und  splash  und  splosh  dey  ford  de  shtream 

Where  not  some  pridges  pe  : 
All  dripplin  in  de  moondlight  peam 

Stracks  went  de  cavallrie  ! 
Gling,  glang,  gloria  ! 

Der  Breitmann's  cavallrie. 


15 


Und  hoory,  hoory  on  dey  rote, 

Oonheedin  vet  or  try  ; 
Und  horse  und  rider  shnort  und  blowed, 

Und  shparklin  bepples  fly. 
llopp  !  ropp  !  I  shmell  de  barley-prew  ! 

Dere's  somedings  goot  ish  near. 
Ropp  !    Ropp  ! — I  scent  de  kneiperei ; 

We've  got  to  lager  bier  ! 
Gling,  glang  gloria  ! 

We've  got  to  lager  bier  ! 

Hei !  how  de  carpine  pullets  klinged 

Oopon  de  helmets  hart  ! 
Oh,  Breitmann — how  dy  sabre  ringed; 

Du  alter  Knasterbart ! 
De  contrapands  dey  sing  for  choy 

To  see  de  rebs  go  down, 
Und  hear  der  Breitmann  grimly  gry  : 

Iloorah  ! — we've  dook  de  down. 
Gling,  glang,  gloria ! 
Victoria,  victoria  ! 

De  Dootch  have  dook  de  down. 

Mid  shout  and  crash  and  sabre  flash, 

And  wild  husaren  shout 
De  Dootchmen  boorst  de  keller  in, 

Unt  rolled  de  lager  out ; 


16 

And  in  the  coorlin  powder  shmoke, 

While  shtill  de  pullets  sung. 
Dere  shtood  der  Breitmann,  axe  in  hand, 
A  knockin  out  de  boong. 
Gling,  glang,  gloria  ! 
Victoria !  Encoria  ! 
De  shpicket  beats  de  boong. 

Gotts  !  vot  a  shpree  der  Breitniann  had 

While  yet  his  hand  was  red, 
A  trinkin  lager  from  his  poots 

Among  de  repel  tead. 
'Twas  dus  dey  went  at  mitternight 

Along  der  moundain  side  ; 
'Twas  dus  dey  help  make  history  ! 
Dis  was  der  Breitmann's  ride. 
Gling,  glang,  gloria ; 
Victoria  !  Victoria  ! 
Cer'visia,  encoria  ? 
De  treadful  mitnight  ride 
Of  Breitmann's  wild  Freischarlinger, 
All  famous,  broad,  und  wide. 


Ereitmann  as  a  Bummer. 


DER  Sheueral  Sherman  holts  oop  on  his  coorse. 
He  shtops  at  de  gross-road  und  reins  in  his  horse. 
"  Dere's  a  ford  on  de  rifer  dis  day  we  moost  dake, 
Or  elshe  de  grand  army  in  bieces  shall  preak !" 
Ven  shoost  ash  dis  vord  from  his  lips  had  gone  bast, 

There  cootned  a  young  orterly  gallopin  fast, 
Who  gry  mit  amazement:  "  Here  Shen'ral !  Goot  Lord ! 
Dat  bummer  der  Breitmann  ish  holdin  der  ford  !" 

Der  Shen'ral  he  ootered  no  hymn  und  no  psalm, 

But  opened  his  lips  und  he  priefly  say  "  D n  ! 

Dere  moost  hafe  been  viskey  on  dat  side  der  rifer; 

To  get  it  dose  shaps  would  set  hell  in  a  shiver, 
But  now  dat  dey  hold  it,  ride  quick  to  deir  aid : 

Ho  Sickles  !  move  promp'ly,  send  down  a  prigade  ! 
Dat  Dootchman  moost  work  mighty  hard  mit  his  sword 

If  againsd  a  whole  army  he  holds  to  de  ford." 

Dey  spoored  on,  dey  hoory'd  on,  gallopin  shtraight, 

But  for  Breitmann  help  coomed  shust  a  liddle  too  late, 
For  ash  de  Lauwine  goes  smash  mit  her  pound, 

So  on  to  de  Bummers  de  repels  coom  down  : 
Heinrich  von  Schinkenstein's  tead  in  de  road, 

Dieterich  Hinkelbein's  flat  ash  a  toad  ; 
Und  Sepperl — Tyroler — shpoke  nefer  a  vord, 

But  shoost  "Mutter  Gottes !" — und  died  in  de  ford. 
(17) 


18 

Itsch'l  of  Innspruck  ish  drilled  troo  de  hair, 

Einer  aus  Boeblingen — he  too  vash  dere — 
Karli  of  Karlisruh's  shot  near  de  fence, 

(His  horse  vash  o'erloadet  mit  toorkies  und  hens,) 
Und  dough  he  like  a  ravin  mad  cannibal  fought, 

Yet  der  Breitmann-der  capt'n-der  hero  vash  caught ; 
Und  de  last  dings  ve  saw,  he  was  tied  mit  a  cord, 

For  de  repels  had  goppled  him  oop  at  de  ford. 

Dey  shtripped  off  his  goat  und  skyugled  his  poots, 

Dey  dressed  him  mit  rags  of  a  repel  recruits ; 
But  von  grey-haared  oldt  veller  shmiled  crimly  und  bet 

Dat  Breitman  vouldt  pe  a  pad  egg  for  dem,  yet. 
"  He  has  more  on  his  pipe  as  dern  vellers  allows ; 

He  has  cardts  yet  in  hand  und  das  Spiel  ist  nicht  a  MS, 
Dey'll  find  dat  dey  took  in  der  duyvel  to  board, 

De  day  dey  pooled  Breitmann  well  ofer  de  ford." 

In  de  Bowery  each  bier-haus  mit  crape  vas  oop- done, 

Yen  dey  read  in  de  bapers  dat  Breitmann  vas  gone ; 
Und  de  Dootch  all  cot  troonk  oopon  lager  und  wein, 

At  the  great  Trauer-fest  of  de  Toorner  Yerein 
Dere  vas  wein-en  mit  weinen  ven  beoples  did  dink 

Dat  Sherman's  great  Sherman  cood  nefermore  trink. 
Und  in  Yilliam  Shtreet  veepin  und  vailen  vas  hoor'd, 

Pecause  der  Hans  Breitmann  vas  lost  at  de  ford. 


SECONDT    PAEDT. 


IN  dulcejubilo  now  ve  all  sings, 
A-waivin  de  panners  like  avery  dings. 
De  preeze  troo  de  bine-drees  ish  cooler  und  salt, 
Und  der  Shen'ral  is  merry  venefer  ve  halt; 
Loosty  und  merry  he  schmells  at  de  preeze, 
Lustig  und  heiter  he  looks  troo  de  drees, 
Lustig  und  heiter  ash  veil  he  may  pe, 

For  Sherman,  at  last,  has  marched  down  to  the  sea  ! 

Dere's  a  gry  from  de  guart— dere's  a  clotter  und  dramp, 

Yen  dat  fery  same  orterly  rides  troo  de  camp, 
Who  report  on  de  ford.     Dere  ish  droples  and  awe 

In  de  face  of  de  youf '  apout  somedings  he  saw ; 
Und  he  shpeak  me  in  Frsentsch,  like  he  always  do  : 
"  Look  !  [his  spook  ! 

Sagre  pleu  !  fentre   Tleu  ! — dere  ish  Breitmann — 
He  ish  goming  dis  way  !  Nom  de  garce  !  can  it  pe 

Dat  de  spooks  of  te  tead  men  coom  down  to  de  sea  !" 

TInd  ve  looks,  und  ve  sees,  und  ve  tremples  mit  tread, 

For  risin'  all  swart  on  de  efenin  red 
Vas  Johannes — der  Breitmann — der  war  es,  bei  Gott ! 

Coom  ridin  to  oos-ward,  right  shtrait  to  de  shpot ! 
All  mouse-still  ve  shtood,  yet  mit  oop-shoompin  hearts, 

For  he  look  shoost  so  pig  ash  de  shiant  of  de  Hartz  ; 
Und  I  heard  de  Sout  Deutschers  say  "Ave  Morie  I 

Braise  Gott  all  goot  shpirids  py  land  und  py  sea  I" 
(19) 


20 

Boot  Itzig  of  Frankfort  he  lift  oop  his  nose, 

Und  be-mark  dat  de  shpook  hat  peen  changin  his 

clothes, 
For  he  seemed  like  an  Generalissimus  drest 

In  a  vlamin  new  coat  and  magnificent  vest. 
Six  bistols  beschlagen  mit  silber  he  wore, 

Und  a  gold  mounted  swordt  like  an  Kaisar  he  bore, 
Und  ve  dinks  dat  de  ghosdt — or  votever  he  pe — 

Moost  hafe  proken  some  panks  on  his  vay  to  de  sea. 


11  Id  is  he  I"  "  Und  er  kit  noch  !"  he  lifes,  ve  all  say  : 

Der   Breitmann — Oldt   Breitmann  ! — Hans   Breit- 

mann  !  Herr  Je  !" 
Und  ve  roosh  to  emprace  him,  and  shtill  more  ve  find 

Dat  vherefer  he'd  peen,  he'd  left  noding  pehind. 
In  bofe  of  his  poots  dere  vas  porte-moneys  crammed, 

Mit  creen-packs  stoof  full  all  his  haversack  jammed, 
In  his  bockets  cold  dollars  were  shinglin'  deir  doons 

Mit  two  doozen  votches  und  four  doozen  shpoons, 
Und  dwo  silber  tea-pods  for  makin'  his  dea, 

Der  ghosdt  hafe  pring  mit  him,  en  route  to  de  sea. 

Mit  goot  sweed-botatoes,  und  doorkies,  und  rice, 
Ve  makes  him  a  sooper  of  avery  dings  nice. 

Uud  de  bummers  hoont  roundt  apout,  alle  wie  ein, 
Dill  dey  findt  a  plantaschion  mit  parrels  of  wein. 


21 

Den  t'vas  "  here's  to  you,  Breitmann  !  Alt  Schwcd' — 

bist  zuruck  ? 
Yot  teufels  you  makes  since   dis  fourteen   nights 

week?"   " 

Und  ve  holds  von  shtupendous  und  derriple  shpree 
For  choy  dat  der  Breitmann  has  got  to  de  sea. 

But  in  fain  tid  ve  ashk  vhere  der  Breitmann  hat  peen, 
Yot  he  tid ;  vot  he  pass  troo — or  vot  he  might  seen  ? 

Vhere  he  kits  his  vine  horse,  or  who  gafe  him  dem 
woons, 

Und  how  Brovidence  plessed  him  mit  tea-pods  und 
shpoons  ? 

For  to  all  of  dem  queeries  he  only  reblies 

"  If  you  dells  me  no  quesdions,  I  ashks  you  no  lies  !" 

So  'twas  glear  dat  some  derriple  mysh'dry  moost  pe 
Vhere  he  kits  all  dat  ploonder  he  prings  to  de  sea. 

Dere  ish  bapers  in  Richmond  dells  derriple  lies 

How  Sherman's  grand  armee  hafe  raise  deir  sooplies  t 
For  ve  readt  in  brindt  dat  der  Sheneral  Grant 

Say  de  bummers  hafe  only  shoost  dake  Vat  dey  vant. 
But  'tis  vhispered  dat  vhile  a  refolfer'll  go  round 

Der  BREITMANN  vill  nefer  a  peggin'  be  found; 
Or  shtarvin'  ash  brisner — by  doonder  ! — not  he, 

Vhile  der  teufel  could  help  him  to  ged  to  de  sea. 


Breitmann  in  Kansas. 

VONCE  oopon  a  dimes,  goot  vhile  afder  der  war 
vas  ofer,  der  Herr  Breitmann  vent  oud  West, 
drafellin   apout   like   afery   dings — "  circuivit 
terrain  et  perambulavit  earn,"  ash  der  Tyfel  said  ven 
dey  ask  him  :  "  how  vash  you  and  how  you  has  peen  ?" 
You  efenings  he   vas   drafel   mit  some   ladies  und 
shendlemans,  und  he  shtaid  incog  nit  us.  Und  dey  singed 
songs,  dill  py  und  py  one  of  de  ladies  say  :    "  Ish  any 
podies  here  ash  know  de  crate  pallad  of  Hans  Breit- 
mann's  Barty  ?"     Den  Hans  say  :     "  Ecce   Gallus  !  I 
am  dat  rooster!"     Den  der  Hans  dock  a  trink  und  a 
let-bencil  und  a  biece  of  baper,  and  goes  indo  himself 
a  little  dimes  und  denn  coomes  out  again  mit  dis  boem  : 
Hans  Breitmann  vent  to  Kansas ; 

He  drafel  fast  und  far. 
He  rided  shoost  drei  dousand  miles 

All  in  von  rail-roat  car. 
He  knowed  foost  rate  how  far  he  goed — 

He  gounted  all  de  vile. 
Dere  vash  shoost  one  bottle  of  champagne, 

Dat  bopped  at  efery  mile. 
Hans  Breitmann  vent  to  Kansas ; 

I  dell  you  vot  my  poy. 
You  bet  dey  hat  a  pully  dimes 
In  crossin  Illinoy. 
(22) 


23 

Dey  speaked  dere  speaks  to  all  de  folk 

A  shtandin  in  de  car ; 
Den  ask  dem  in  to  dake  a  trink, 

Und  corned  em  ganz  und  gar. 

Hans  Breitmann  vent  to  Kansas  ; 

By  shings  !  dey  did  it  prown. 
Ven  he  cot  into  Leafenvort, 

He  found  himself  in  town. 
Dey  dined  him  at  de  Blanter's  House, 

More  goot  as  man  could  dink; 
Mit  avery  dings  on  eart  to  eat, 

Und  dwice  as  mooch  to  trink. 

Hans  Breitmann  vent  to  Kansas  j 

He  vent  it  on  de  loud. 
At  Ellsvort,  in  de  prairie  land, 

He  foundt  a  pully  crowd. 
He  looked  for  bleedin'  Kansas, 

But  dat's  "  blayed  out,"  dey  say ; 
De  whisky  keg's  de  only  dings 

Dat's  bleedin'  der  to-day. 

Hans  Breitmann  vent  to  Kansas, 

To  see  vot  he  could  hear. 
He  foundt  soom  Deutschers  dat  exisdt 

Py  makin'  lager  bier. 


Says  he:  "  Wie  gelits  du  Alt  Gesell?" 

But  no  dings  could  be  heard; 
Dey'd  growed  so  fat  in  Kansas 

Dat  dey  couldn't  speak  a  vord. 

Hans  Breitmann  vent  to  Kansas ; 

Py  shings  !  I  dell  you  vot. 
Von  day  he  met  a  crisly  bear 

Dat  rooshed  him  down,  bei  Gott ! 
Boot  der  Breitmann  took  und  bind  der  bear, 

Und  bleased  him  fery  much — 
For  efery  vordt  der  crisly  growled 

Vas  goot  Bavarian  Dutch  ! 

Hans  Breitmann  vent  to  Kansas  ! 

By  donder  dat  is  so  ! 
He  ridet  oout  upon  de  plains 

To  shase  de  boofalo. 
He  fired  his  rifle  at  the  bools, 

Und  gallop  troo  de  shmoke, 
Und  shoomp  de  canyons  shoost  as  if 

Der  tyfel  vas  a  choke  ! 

It's  hey  de  trail  to  Santa  Fe ; 

It's  ho  !  agross  de  plain. 
It's  lope  along  de  Denver  road, 

Until  we  toorn  again. 


25 

Und  de  railroad  dravel  after  us 

Apout  as  quick  as" we ; 
Dis  Kansas  ish  de  fastest  land 

Ash  efer  I  did  see. 

Hans  Breitmann  vent  to  Kansas ; 

He  have  a  pully  dime ; 
Bu  'tvas  in  oldt  Missouri 

Dat  dey  rooshed  him  up  sublime. 
Dey  took  him  to  der  Bilot  Nob, 

Und  all  der  nobs  around ; 
Dey  spreed  him  und  dey  tea'd  him 

Dill  dey  roon  him  to  de  ground. 

Hans  Breitmann  vent  to  Kansas ; 

Troo  all  dis  earthly  land, 
A  vorkin  out  life's  mission  here 

Soobyectifly  und  grand. 
Some  beoblesh  runs  de  beautiful, 

Some  works  philosophic; 
Der  Breitmann  solfe  de  infinide 

Ash  von  eternal  shpree  ! 


Die  Schoene  Wittwe, 

(DE  POOTY  VIDDER.) 

Vot  de  Yankee  Chap  sung, 


AT  pooty  liddle  vidder 

Yot  we  dosh'nt  vish  to  name, 
Ish  still  leben  on  dat  liddle  shtreet, 

A-doin'  shuss  de  same. 
De  glerks  aroundt  de  gorners 

Somedimes  goes  round  to  zee 
How  die  tarlin  liddle  vitchy  ees, 

Und  ask  'er  how  she  pe. 
Dey  lofes  her  ver'  goot  liquoer, 

Dey  lofes  her  liddle  shtore; 
Dey  lofes  her  liddle  paby, 

But  dey  lofes  die  vidder  more. 
To  d?lk  mit  dat  shveet  vidder, 

Ven  she  hands  das  lager  round, 
Vill  make  der  shap  dat  does  id 

Pe  happy,  ve'll  be  pound. 
Dat  ish  if  ve  can  veil  pelieve 

De  glerks  vat  drinks  das  peer, 
Who  goes  in  dere  for  noding  elshe, 

Put  simply  for  to  zee  her." 
(26) 


27 

How  der  Breitmann  cut  him  out, 


OH  yes  I  know  die  wittwe, 
Mit  eyes  so  prite  und  proun ! 
She's  de  allersehcenste  wittwe 

Yot  live  in  dis  here  town. 
In  her  plack  silk  gown — mine  grashious  ! — 

All  puttoned  to  de  neck — 
Und  a  pooty  liddle  collar, 

Mitout  a  shpot  or  shpeck. 
Ho !  clear  de  drack  you  oder  fraus — 

You  cant  pegin  to  shine 
Ven  de  lofely  vidder  ^>oms  along — 

Dis  vidder  ash  ish  mine ! 
Ho !  clear  de  drack  you  Yankee  chaps, 

You  Englishers  und  sooch. 
You  cant  pegin  to  coot  me  out, 

Mit  out  you  dalks  in  Dootch. 
Ich  hab  die  schoene  wittwe 

Schon  lange  nit  gesehn, 
Ich  sah  sie  gestern  Abend 

Wohl  bei  dem  Counter  stehn. 
Die  Wangen  rein  wie  Milch  und  Blut, 

Die  Augen  hell  und  klar. 
Ich  hab  sie  sechsmal  auch  gekusst — 

Potztausend !  das  ist  wahr. 


Breitmann  and  the  Turners. 

HANS  BREITMANN  choined  de  Turners 
Novemper  in  dejfall, 
Und  dey  gifed  a  boostin'  bender 
All  in  de  Toorner  Hall. 
Dere  coomed  de  whole  Gesangverein 

Mit  der  Liederlich  Aepfel  Chor, 
Und  dey  blowed  on  de  drooms  und  stroomed 

on  de  fifes 
Till  dey  couldn't  refife  no  more. 

Hans  Breitmann  choined  de  Toorners, 

Dey  all  set  oop  some  shouts, 
Dey  took'd  him  into  deir  Toorner  Hall, 

Und  poots  him*a  course  of  shprouts, 
Dey  poots  him  on  de  barrell-hell  pars 

Und  shtands  him  oop  on  his  head, 
Und  dey  poomps  de  beer  mit  an  enchine  hose 

In  his  mout'  dill  he's  'pout  half  tead  ! 

Hans  Breitmann  choined  de  Toorners ; — 

Dey  make  shimnastig  dricks 
He  stoot  on  de  middle  of  de  floor, 

Und  put  oop  a  fifdy-six. 
Und  den  he  trows  it  to  de  roof, 

Und  schwig  off  a  tread  ful  trink  : 
De  veight  coom  toomple  pack  on  his  headt, 

Und  py  shinks  !  he  didn't  vink  ! 
(28) 


29 


Hans  Breitmann  choined  de  Toorners : — 

Mein  Gott !  how  dey  drinked  und  shwore 
Dere  vas  Schwabians  und  Tyrolers, 

Und  Bavarians  by  de  score. 
Some  vellers  coomed  from  de  Rheinland, 

Und  Frankfort-on-de-Main, 
Boot  dere  vas  only  von  Sharman  dere, 

Und  he  vas  a  Holstein  Dane. 

Hans  Breitmann  choined  de  Toorners, 

Mit  a  Limpurg'  cheese  he  coom; 
Yen  he  open  de  box  it  schmell  so  loudt 

It  knock  de  musik  doomb. 
Yen  de  Deutschers  kit  de  flavor, 

It  coorl  de  haar  on  dere  head ; 
Boot  dere  vas  dwo  Amerigans  dere; 

Und,  py  tarn  !  it  kilt  dem  dea'd  ! 

Hans  Breitmann  choined  de  Toorners; 

De  ladies  coomed  in  to  see ; 
Dey  poot  dem  in  de  blace  for  de  gals, 

All  in  der  gal-lerie. 
Dey  ashk :  "  Vhere  ish  der  Breitmann  ?" 

And  dey  dremple  mit  awe  and  fear 
Yen  dey  see  him  schwingen  py  de  toes, 

A  trinken  lager  bier. 


30 

Hans  Breitmann  choined  de  Toorners : — 

I  dells  you  vot  py  tarn  ! 
Dey  sings  de  great  Urbuinmellied  : 

De  holy  Sharman  psalm. 
Und  ven  dey  kits  to  de  gorus 

You  ought  to  hear  dein  dramp  ! 
It  scared  der  Teufel  down  below 

To  hear  de  Dootchmen  stamp. 

Hans  Breitmann  choined  de  Toorners : — 

By  Donner !  it  vas  grand, 
Vhen  de  whole  of  dem  goes  a  valkin' 

Und  dancin'  on  dere  hand, 
Mit  de  veet  all  wavin'  in  de  air, 

Gottstausend  !  vot  a  dricks  ! 
Dill  der  Breitmann  fall  und  dey  all  go  down 

Shoost  like  a  row  of  bricks. 

Hans  Breitmann  choined  de  Toorners, 

Dey  lay  dere  in  a  heap, 
And  slept  dill  de  early  sonnen  shine 

Come  in  at  de  window  creep ; 
And  de  preeze  it  vake  dem  from  deir  dream, 

And  dey  go  to  kit  deir  feed : 
Here  hat'  dis  song  an  Ende — 

Das  ist  DBS  BREITMANNSLIED. 


Ballad. 


BY    HANS   BREITMANN. 


ER  noble  Ritter  Hugo 

Yon  Schwillensaufenstein, 
Rode  out  mit  shpeer  and  helmet, 
Und  he  coom  to  de  panks  of  de  Rhine. 

Und  oop  dere  rose  a  meer  maid, 

Yot  hadn't  got  nodings  on, 
Und  she  say,  "  Oh,  Ritter  Hugo, 

Yhere  you  goes  mit  yourself  alone  ?" 

And  he  says,  "I  rides  in  de  Greenwood 

Mit  helmet  und  mit  shpeer, 
Till  I  cooms  into  em  Gasthaus, 

Und  dere  I  trinks  some  beer." 

Und  den  outshpoke  de  maiden 

Yot  hadn't  got  nodings  on  : 

"  I  tont  dink  mooch  of  beoplesh 

Dat  goes  mit  demselfs  alone. 

"  You'd  petter  coom  down  in  de  wasser, 

Yere  deres  heaps  of  dings  to  see, 
Und  hafe  a  shplendid  tinner 
Und  drafel  along  mit  me. 
131) 


32 


"  Dere  you  sees  de  fisch  a  schwimmin, 

Und  you  catches  dem  efery  one  :" — 
So  sang  dis  wasser  maiden 
Vot  hadn't  got  nodings  on. 

"  Dere  ish  drunks  all  full  mit  money 

In  ships  dat  vent  down  of  old; 
Und  you  helpsh  yourself,  by  dunder ! 
To  shimmerin  crowns  of  gold. 

"  Shoost  look  at  dese  shpoons  und  vatches ! 

Shoost  see  dese  diamant  rings  ! 
Coom  down  und  full  your  bockets, 
Und  Til  giss  you  like  avery  dings. 

"  Vot  you  vantsh  mit  your  schnapps  und  lager? 

Coom  down  into  der  Rhine ! 
Der  ish  pottles  der  Kaiser  Charlemagne 
Vonce  filled  mit  gold-red  wine !" 

Dat  fetched  him — he  shtood  all  shpell  pound ; 

She  pooled  his  coat-tails  down, 
She  drawed  him  oonder  der  wasser, 

De  maidens  mit  nodings  on. 

'END. 


